środa, 1 maja 2019

LDS ostracism - to both sides

This is the first article about causes of losing faith and how to keep it. Click here to read the introduction: How personal crisis of faith doesn't have to lead to apostasy.

ostracism

Ostracism – exclusion from a society or group, exclusion, rejection, repudiation, shunning, spurning, the cold shoulder, cold-shouldering, boycotting, blackballing, blacklisting, snubbing, avoidance, barring, banishment, exile, expulsion; disfellowship; excommunication. (Google)
Have you ever received a cold treatment for something you said or did? Even something as small as a few seconds of silence at a dinner table after making a comment considered inappropriate or too controversial? Perhaps you felt judged and rejected or even emotionally manipulated.

As annoying and confusing as these situations might cause you to feel, they are insignificant compared to the experiences some people have when they lose respect, fellowship, friendships and, in some cases – even a family - because of an opinion or a choice which doesn’t meet someone's expectations.

I believe that only living the revealed principles of the restored gospel assures fullness of happiness. But in this article I will neither criticize nor defend decisions not to serve a full-time mission, date or marry someone who is not LDS, divorce, live a homosexual lifestyle, hold to an unpopular political or other opinion, lose motivation to serve in the Church or even faith in it altogether. Instead, I would like to discuss our reactions to those who used their God-given right to rebel against him.

appropriate or practical banishment

Most people today would agree that ostracism is always negative, something that our primitive ancestors used because of their fear of losing traditions and values, fear of new ideas and lifestyles, to keep annoying people away, a method of controlling or manipulating the rebellious ones into desired behavior or a form of persecution.

To be fair, our great grandparents did manage to stop some negative behaviors from creeping into their culture. For example, women who had children out of wedlock were shunned at, lost friends and respect. While such treatment could be considered heartless and mean, it did effectively motivate people to keep themselves in the line of society's expectations. In this case - ostracism resulted in some children being raised in destitute conditions, but in a long run - it assured that many other children were raised by a mom and dad - which is the most optimal situation. I am not defending the old fashioned practice of hating people who chose to lead their lives out of the established standards. I am only stating a fact that ostracism did bring positive results, especially when we contrast their world with ours. Today women are rewarded by governments for raising children without a father, which is linked with depression and criminal activity of fatherless child. Prisons are full of men who have been raised without a father.

Let’s consider other situations in which it is appropriate to fire someone from a relationship or even emotionally punish him for his choices.

Placing murderers, rapists, thieves and other criminals in a prison is an appropriate form of banishment. It is simply a way to keep dangerous people from the society.

A public servant or a politician who attempts to limit our liberties or has made other immoral choices which affect our well being should be fired without any regard for his feelings. The Lord teaches us to love our enemies but not to support them in their evil doing.

A business owned or operated by a very nice person but which offers something not as good or for a higher price than what his competitors offer also deserves our personal boycott. There is nothing wrong about being a smart shopper or patron.

It is also natural to be selective in our choices of friends, boyfriends or girlfriends. People typically like to associate with those who share their values and standards. It doesn’t even have to do with moral standards or religious beliefs. Should a girl be blamed for rejecting hundreds of boys for the one she feels attracted to? In a way every wife and husband has discriminated against half of the world by choosing to marry the one she wants to spend eternity with and be the parent of her children. Monogamy serves an important role in the Plan of Salvation, even if it causes someone to feel sad or rejected. There is nothing wrong with it. Life is tough sometimes. In my own teenage years I usually either liked a girl who didn't like me or been liked by a girl I was not interested in. Life is life.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Kingdom of the Saints, we also get to deal with special, fortunately very rare, situations in which we are commanded to separate ourselves from certain individuals. Nephi and Sam were commanded to leave their brothers - Laman and Lemuel. I served in local leadership positions for 10 years and got to watch other priesthood leaders making tough decisions during disciplinary councils. As inclusive, patient and merciful as they try to be, some behavior of members results in disfellowshipment or even excommunication. Usually those decisions are made in order to protect the safety of our people, for example in cases of sexual abuse or unrepentant insistence on encouraging the Saints to rebel against the Lord and break their sacred covenants.

A person who has experienced excommunication might feel rejected and obviously deeply hurt, just as a soccer player who received a red card banishing him from the field for foul play. But he knew the rules before joining the game. We are encouraged to read the scriptures - they make it clear that there is a line we shouldn't cross if we want to keep our citizenship in the Kingdom. We've read what the brethren are expected to do with the wolves among the sheep.

But these situations are very rare. And in most cases – the Church encourages the Saints to embrace the sinner with a circle of sincere love. Surely the person’s family should never reject even those who violated the most serious gospel standards. They should love them no matter what their choices might be. I am talking here about what the Church teaches, not necessarily what it’s members actually do. Tragically, there are those among us who refuse to love and associate with their own son or daughter, because he or she has lost a testimony or has chosen a homosexual lifestyle. This kind of ostracism is a blatant rebellion against the whisperings of the Spirit which teaches to love and forgive. As Paul put it: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance… (Gal. 5:22-23). Excommunication from a family has never been taught by the Church.

LDS ostracism

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we treasure our faith. We wish everyone enjoyed the blessings of living the principles of the restored gospel. It is natural to feel deeply disappointed when our child chooses to reject the values we have raised him to appreciate. It is also natural and frankly, reasonable, to consider those who disregard God's commandments as belonging to the category of sinners. However, it is worth considering how Heavenly Father expects us to react to those challenges and how He categorizes people.

The Brethren have spoken against discriminating people based on their membership or level of activity in the Church. For example, during the October 2001 General Conference address, Elder Ballard challenged us to eliminate from our vocabulary such words and phrases as nonmember and non-Mormon. He then added:
Such phrases can be demeaning and even belittling. Personally, I don’t consider myself to be a "non-Catholic" or a "non-Jew". I am a Christian. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is how I prefer to be identified – for who and what I am, as opposed to being identified for what I am not. Let us extend that same courtesy to those who live among us. If a collective description is needed, then "neighbors" seems to work well in most cases.

leaving Babylon

There have been times when the Lord instructed his people to separate themselves from the rest of the world. Typically, in an effort to end apostasy, God instructs the prophet of the restoration (and sometimes a few who follow) to take some action which would ensure an appropriate degree of Israel's separation from other nations. The faithful in times of Noah were spared from the wickedness of the world by a natural disaster. Moses took Israel out of Egypt. Jesus initially forbade his disciples to preach the gospel to the gentiles (some speculate that moving the Sabbath to the first day of the week might have also served the purpose of forcing Christians to stick together and stay away from the non-believers). Joseph Smith and Brigham Young kept appointing new places of gathering the Saints, resulting in the final settlement in the promised land of the Rocky Mountains. And there were some strange practices which made the Saints quite peculiar - abstaining from alcohol which made going to bars and taverns pointless, polygamy, beards, funny hats, etc.

The separation period of the current dispensation has long passed. We are now instructed to live in the world but be not of the world. For more than a century we have been commanded to treat all people with respect, including those who leave the faith while not letting the philosophies of men to affect our own faith. But still, some people report having experienced being disliked by the Mormons for refusing to meet with the missionaries, for leaving the Church, for watching R-rated movies, for asking an uncomfortable question about Church history or revealing they are going through a crisis of faith, even for not shaving their beards. Why do we avoid those people instead of doing what the Lord expects from us – to love, support, rescue or just accept? I have my opinion why this might be.

where ostracism came from

The Church was restored in the United States of America. Until about a century ago, almost every Latter-day Saint was influenced not only by the teachings of the Savior, but also by the American culture. Currently, there are more members of the Church outside the United States than within. Yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if a non-American Latter-day Saint was much more likely to behave like Americans than those Poles, Japanese or Peruvians who don’t associate with our missionaries. In my country, some members even use American grammar when they speak their native language (I call it missionary Polish).

Don’t get me wrong – I love the American culture. The whole world seems to love it. Even those who claim they hate America watch American movies, listen to American music, dress like Americans do, argue about opinions of President Trump, even joke like Americans and use English words (usually the worse ones, but still). And those of us who succeed financially do so because – consciously or not – they follow the principles and habits set by Americans. The American culture has a lot good to offer. But – obviously – it is not perfect.

After growing up in Europe I moved to the US, first to serve an LDS mission and then to study at BYU. Upon my arrival in the New World I noticed that Americans are different from Europeans (obviously). Most of their attitudes impressed me in a very positive way, but there was at least one thing that didn’t seem right. In Europe people are generally more inclusive, more open and friendly toward all sorts of people (which, admittedly, doesn’t always work out the best for us). But in Chicago – where I served as a missionary – people seemed to keep themselves as far away from those who were different as possible. The city was (I assume - still is) divided into districts or neighborhoods: white American, black American, Latino, Polish, Russian-Jewish, non-Russian Jewish, Korean, Chinese, gay and some other. It wasn’t a result of some government planning but a very spontaneous phenomena. On one hand Americans say they value diversity and often express their pride for forming a nation made up of different cultures and nationalities, but in practice – they do all they can to avoid contact with those who are not like them.

When I moved to Utah (1994) I noticed that nearly everyone looked, behaved and talked in a like manner. As if there was a set of rules every person living in the State had to agree to follow. I have never heard anyone trying to correct a person who chose to color her hair, grow his beard, dress funny or display an attitude the Utahns were not used to. I have never heard it, but I’ve seen it. It was done without using words. Literally, by being silent, by quickly changing a subject or by not inviting you know, that guy to a social gathering.

There is some good in not mixing values, attitudes and cultures. Multiculturalism and even mixing races unavoidably leads to occasional disputes, even violence. I lived in America during the Rodney King riots and later I watched the OJ Simpson's trial which divided the Nation into white and black. More homogeneous countries don’t experience those things. But since USA has been open for diversity, perhaps Americans should consistently adopt a more tolerant attitude toward those minorities that are already living among them. Not necessarily by accepting them or changing their own values, allowing foreign ones to dictate their regulations. Some values should be rejected. But I am talking about every day dealings with neighbors, co-workers and in our case - with fellow-Saints. Instead of avoiding people, instead of treating them with silence, why not being friendly anyway?

In some ways Americans have become more tolerant and inclusive since the time I first visited the great country in 1992. But in other – things have gone much worse. A company whose owner shared his unpopular political or religious views have experienced significant profit losses due to an organized boycott. Conservative political commentators are prevented from speaking at universities or face screaming and often violent crowds. Scientists who propose alternative explanations, theories or solutions to problems have their careers ruined. Large percentage of voters admit they would never be friends with someone who voted for the other candidate. Even historic figures have had their statues removed because their lifestyle would be unaccepted by some people today. I don’t know any other place in the world where so many people experience real hatred just because they refuse to embrace currently trendy philosophies and opinions.

And there are those mass shootings, often committed by people, even kids, who are lonely because of their backwardness. I don't want to go into this subject here or blame their classmates or neighbors, but I can't help it but connecting this strange phenomena with the way Americans deal with the weirdos. I have never attended a high school in the US. All I know about an American high school experience I learned from movies. If they do portray reality, let me tell you - I consider myself very lucky that my kids never experienced it. All that pressure to look and act in a certain way in order to meet a social circle's expectations in order to be accepted, the gangs, subcultures, etc. Things are not perfect in Europe, but I have never heard about popularity contests, king or queen of promes, etc. here. I have never seen popular kids refusing to talk to the nerds. And I hope there are not many kids in Europe who lose respect of their class mates after making one mistake. I can't help it but seeing the connection between the culture of shunning and the emotional depression which sometimes leads to terrible violence.

You might not agree with me on this. I am just sharing my thoughts as someone who grew up in a very different place (we have our own problems, they are just different). What I am suggesting is that being overprotective, including the awful practice of ostracism is one of those elements of the LDS culture which has been borrowed from the American culture. It has nothing do do with the restored gospel. It is one of those areas where the LDS culture doesn't overlap with the teachings of the Church. Just as in the New Testament we read about some elements of the Jewish or Roman cultures influencing the early Saints’ attitudes and practices, in our days the American culture is still influencing the way Latter-day Saints think and act.

why ostracism is wrong

1. ostracism is immoral

The Savior set an example of being inclusive by surprising even his closest disciples as He chose to dine with those who didn't share his standards. We can’t consider ourselves the followers of Jesus Christ if we are not converted to the doctrine of inclusion as taught by Elder Ballard and others.

Our doctrine of the Plan of Salvation which, among other things, explains the origin of evil is very unique in Christianity. If we consider the reasons why Lucifer has fallen, what attitudes he has chosen to hold toward those who disagree with him, we might come to the conclusion that the practice of ostracism is indeed inspired by evil, not good. Satan wanted to force the disobedient into obedience. Persecuting others in an effort to manipulate them into obeying our standards seems to be exactly what the devil advocates. While other Christians might be excused for pressuring others into Christianity - after all - they don't have as much knowledge about Satan's nature as we do - we are left with no excuse. We know too much.

2. ostracism hurts them

Another reason is very practical. How can we convince a fascist that he is wrong, if we don't talk with him? By shunning or beating him? How can we bless others if we don’t spend time with them? How can we inspire a sinner to repent if he will never be able to see the fruits of repentance and living the gospel standards? We are kidding ourselves thinking that someone who found more acceptance and support outside the Church, will ever desire to return. Ostracism rarely makes people change their minds. This sort of emotional manipulation just doesn’t work in most cases. It hurts feelings, destroys self-confidence and opens a soul to the spirit of rebellion. It inspires to fight against the Church. I wonder how many Nephites who ended up joining the Lamanites did so, because in their crisis of faith they experienced ostracism instead of understanding and love.

As an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I challenge myself to study scriptures, both the standard works as well as the inspired words of our current leaders, so that I might be able to recognize other elements of our LDS culture which are not inspired by the Spirit. Truth will make me free from inappropriate attitudes. President Nelson doesn’t want me to be a Mormon but a Latter-day Saint. I believe the Lord wants me to see others as my literal brothers and sisters and children of God, more than as members, non-members, normal people, homosexuals, leftists, conservatives, Socialists, etc. I think He want’s me to be aware of who and what I deal with, but He expects me to respond to all challenges appropriately and in a right order of importance.

When I was a full-time missionary I met many nice and friendly people. But there were also those who were less kind. Some seemed to feel offended by very fact we dared not to share their religious views. I often thought - if you think I am wrong, why don't you talk to me and give me the reasons why I should accept your message? Sadly, some of us are not much different. I've seen some Latter-day Saints who also seemed to think that the best way to deal with those who they consider wrong is to either avoid them or avoid conversations about their views. I don't believe it works. Silence and an awkward change of the subject as well as responses like: Is this really necessary for your salvation?Why don't you pray about it? or I know the Church is true. just doesn't work in most cases. The message such reaction carries is: I don't care about your feelings. or I am scared to talk about it. which understandably leads to the conclusion that the person is not sure of his faith and testimony.

I have had my crisis of faith which lasted nearly 6 years. Some of my words and actions made it very obvious. I approached a few of my friends who were active in the Church, including three of my priesthood leaders trying to share my concerns. Perhaps I didn't do it the right way, I don't know, but from my perspective it looked like they didn't care about me. One of them interrupted me as soon as I said I was going through hard time and changed the subject. Maybe he didn't want the Spirit to leave, I don't know. But for me the message was clear - he didn't give a damn about me and my salvation. As members of the Church we are supposed to stay positive, avoid speaking evil of the Lord's anointed and ever question anything.

I was looking for some empathy and I was open to hear arguments why my views and attitudes were wrong. Yes, I must admit that there were moments when - like my brother Lucifer - I only wanted to hear that I was right. Certainly, telling someone who is wrong that he is right - is wrong. But showing a little bit empathy wouldn't hurt. I think it would have a calming effect on my rebellious spirit if I heard something like this: I've had a similar experience too. or I know someone who dealt with a similar problem.

Why is it hard to talk to people about their concerns or opinions? Americans believe in avoiding two subjects: politics and religion, because they are potentially contentious. They have a point - not many people lost their friends after a discussion about astronomy or gardening. May I suggest that instead of avoiding these and other topics, we try to learn how to talk about them without negative emotions? It's a matter of practice. If we are not open with each other, we lose opportunities to share our opinions and frankly, we shut ourselves from new and potentially valuable ideas (just as some of the people who refused to talk to my companion and me during my mission).

3. ostracism hurts us

This leads me to the third, also practical reason to be open and inclusive: we can learn valuable lessons from those who don’t share our faith. Both ancient and latter-day prophets have taught that there is a lot of good to learn from those who are not members of the Church. God inspires many people, even those who don't believe in his existence, with wisdom and valuable insights. Leaders of the Church from Joseph Smith Jr. to current apostles have taught this principle when they encouraged the Saints to read literature, watch plays and valuable movies and befriend all kinds of people. Did you know that Brigham Young called those who only read the scriptures religious fanatics and he built a theater in Salt Lake City long before the work on the Temple was completed? Did you know that one of the reasons the Church built the Tabernacle was so that guest speakers from other faiths could share their ideas with the 19 century Saints?

I recently finished watching a Netflix show by Ricky Gervais Life After. In my opinion, this is one of the most valuable shows ever made about Christlike love. The main character – Tony – is surrounded by people who patiently endure his depressing approach to life, his verbal abuse - often very offensive and derogatory comments, etc. (oddly, many of his comments are hilarious). They tolerate him because they remember him as a great, valuable guy he was before he had experienced a personal tragedy. So, they believe in his potential. And they love him even though he is less than pleasant to be around. Especially the last two (of 7) episodes are very touching and inspiring. As I watched it I thought – these are the kinds of people I wish I was surrounded by.

Ricky doesn’t believe in God and has a very negative attitude about religion in general (he makes it very clear in all his movies and shows). This is sad. Surely, he misses a lot of blessings predicated upon living the principles of the gospel. But our Christian culture has something to learn from him and others who don't value religion. No, not valuing religion is not the lesson I suggest we should take from them. But perhaps we should relax a bit, consider not taking some things too seriously. Perhaps there is some value in not categorizing people into religious and not religious, into those who behave properly and those who don't care about spiritual things. After all, this is exactly what the Brethren seem to teach us.

I recommend Life After with the warning: you will have to hear some very funny but quite foul jokes. I wouldn’t watch it with kids. If you are familiar with Ricky Gervais, you know what I am talking about. But I love him for writing the script under the influence of the Spirit (except for those not inspired parts) and I will thank him for it one day.

if you have experienced ostracism - consider this:

Blame the members but not the Church. Listen carefully what the Brethren say and read carefully the scriptures. Don't read between the lines. Don't mistake Jesus Christ's boldness in calling sin a sin for invitation to persecute the sinners. Don’t blame the Brethren for faithfully supporting their Master in encouraging everyone to follow his teachings. If you belong to the LGBT community, you have not been wronged because the LDS Church teaches that homosexual behavior doesn’t bring happiness, but because some members of the Church thoughtlessly follow the habits they have been taught by the world since their childhood – to be intolerant, to put everyone into categories and leagues, to make fun of those they don't understand, etc. Instead of loving you, like they are encouraged by the Brethren, they follow the wicked traditions of their fathers.

If you lived among true Latter-day Saints and used your right to reject the gospel (and assuming your behavior is not disruptive), you would still be invited to dinners and ward activities, you would still be surrounded by sincere friends and you would never have heard hurtful comments. Maybe not never – nobody is perfect. In a way every member of the Church stands with one foot in Zion and the other in Babylon (or, as Brother Brigham put it - our bodies are in the Salt Lake Valley, but our hearts back in Illinois).

I believe that the invitation of President Nelson to stop referring to ourselves as the Mormons is deeper than just a public relations move. The Lord really doesn’t want us to be just another exclusive and intolerant religious sect called – in our case – the Mormons. He wants us to be real Saints, followers of Jesus Christ who befriended not only those who listened to him, but also those who chose to reject his message, even adulterers, collaborators, prostitutes, even the lawyers and tax collectors ( ;) ).

Those who hurt you had no right to demand perfection (or whatever they consider perfection) from you. Don’t be like them. Don’t expect perfection from the Latter-day Saints either. If you are still a member of the Church, let me remind you that we joined this Church to bless more than to be blessed (or, I should say - with the promise to be blessed because of blessing others). In some cases or periods of our lives our mission is to go as lambs in the midst of wolves (Luke 10:3). We are to forgive and repent, not to expect that others will forgive us. We know God will if we repent, but people are not as reliable and predictable as He is. They might need more time or - frankly - some may never forgive even a stupid mistake. It’s a fact of life. One unfortunate comment might forever cause someone to have a negative opinion about us. I have experienced it more than once (you should try it if you don't believe me - just make as many unfortunate comments as I do and you will see :) ).

You have been wronged. But you must admit, just as you have the right to your own set of values and attitudes toward others, everyone else should have the right to believe and treat others as they please (as long as they don't use physical violence). They should have a right to be jerks, if they choose to. Show them you have more class. Don’t try forcing anyone to pretend they respect you by turning to the state and using its weapons to ban intolerance. Throwing people in jail for using a wrong personal pronoun is not going to create any friends – it might change someone’s behavior, but it will also make them hate you even more. Forcing a baker to bake you a cake is also not going to make Christians respect you.

Show the LDS Church the same respect that you expect from it. They might call you a sinner, you are welcomed to call them sinners too, but note they don’t disrupt your gatherings, they don’t force themselves into your meetings like the feminists have done in the past during priesthood sessions of General Conference. Note the LDS Church has never tried to force anyone to like it's members or ensure them equal treatment by promoting hate speech laws. They have never proposed a law granting Christians or LDS special privileges, for example, forbidding employers to fire them or landlords from signing contracts with them. While not hiring someone because of his sexuality is wrong and stupid, don't you think that just as you are free to associate with or avoid whoever you want, business owners should have the same right?

And don’t kid yourself that a love parade with people dressing and acting in a shocking, repulsive way in public is going to turn the hearts of people in your city to your cause. You might scare them for a while or prevent them from speaking their minds in public, but - in a long run - they will respect your people less and some might even turn to violence, for example, in order to protect their children from being exposed to teaching gender doctrine in schools or - as it is already practiced in some European countries - encouraging 7 year olds to masturbate, etc. Doing those things is much worse than what they do to you. Screaming at someone is less cool than giving him a silent treatment (both are wrong of course).

Also, be willing to compromise – not necessarily your standards or lifestyle, but your behavior among those whose standards differ from yours. If you are a guy and have a boyfriend, don’t be surprised that it is painful for your LDS family to watch your displays of affection during family dinners. Take it easy. Just as they shouldn't expect you to teach the evils of homosexual lifestyle, you should not expect them to be taught the advantages of it. You can do it when you are alone with your loved one. Imagine someone showing up with the red MAGA hat at an LGBT gathering – that would be very inappropriate, don’t you think?

If you feel angry about the LDS Church, reconsider your opinions by considering facts. Perhaps, things are not as bad as you have been told they are. For example, some people blame our religion for teen suicides in the State of Utah. Do some investigation, even by using Google. Note that no scientific studies suggest any connection between teachings and practices of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and suicide attempts. Note that there are other states with higher suicide rates. Also, notice that the Church's position about homosexual behavior hasn't changed for almost 200 years. If it is true that more teenagers try to end their lives now than before, consider what has actually changed. I can think of at least one thing that is different about our times - previous generations were not encouraged as current young generation to experiment with sexuality and manifest their homosexuality. Not until very recently young people with same-gender attraction have been told to rebel against their fathers' traditions, demand special privileges and feel wronged for not being accepted. I don't know if any of those things make people not wanting to live, but surely this is something worth considering if we are interested in getting to the bottom of this important and tragic issue.

turn evil into good

Something I love about the first chapters of the Bible is how God was able to turn Satan’s actions into good. Satan’s successful temptation of Eve opened the way for us to experience the Second Estate and the Atonement – without which the Plan of Salvation would have failed.

I have had my own experiences with the Mormon ostracism. While some negative reactions I feel I didn’t deserve, some - I must admit - I have brought upon myself. Either way, I think it was obvious I was going through hard times. Some of my brothers and sisters didn’t love me enough to try to help me. It was more convenient for them to remove the source of annoyance (just like the Pharisees did with Jesus). As a result I went through a crisis of faith that lasted 6 years. I never lost faith in the gospel – the testimony I had received was sure, I feel like nothing will ever cause me to doubt the Church is led by God. But I lost my faith in my local leaders, in friendship and in myself. I started doubting I would be able to make it as a faithful Latter-day Saint. I felt I no longer belonged with those people I was surrounded by in the Church. At some point I even decided that if these kinds of people are going to live in the Celestial Kingdom, I don't want to be there.

Paradoxically, I also learned the value of real friendship. Once I felt abandoned by the Mormons I started making friends with people who don’t share my faith, don’t set the condition that I should be like them. I also contacted some of my old pre-baptism friends and now we keep in touch again. Last week we got together for the first time in 28 years - had a wonderful time in a Turkish bar - drinking beer, Whiskey and - in my case - a yummy, non-alcoholic cocktail. I repented of abandoning them for not being interested in meeting the missionaries. And I am no longer turned off by language and attitudes which are not in perfect harmony with the Spirit. I still have a hard time respecting and accepting some people whose views and behaviors hurt others, but the words of the Savior about loving and blessing enemies remind me that overcoming this might be a worthy challenge.

I am also trying to repent for not keeping in touch with my mission companions, BYU roommates and other Latter-day Saints from the past. If our relationship in the last 20 years was not so casual, limited to smiles and short conversations - mostly on Facebook, if I was genuinely concerned with their lives, Skyped them regularly, etc. – I am sure I would be in a much safer position when my crisis of faith started.

It also goes the other way. Who knows how many crisis’s they have gone through and I wasn’t there for them. At least one of my mission companions and great friends has left the Church. We have this weird tradition in the Church – at least this has been my experience – we hang out with friends until we meet the girl we want to seriously date and marry. Once we get married, we forget about our old friends, as if they were part of our lives just temporarily, to get us through the weird single period. Marriage and family is the real life, everything prior to that was sort of pre-existence. Nothing exists outside the walls of our home. Thank God for Church callings, home teaching or ministering program, Relief Society, missionary work, professional work or other things that force us to talk to people outside our families! I question the inspiration in this attitude. Again – the scriptures and the Brethren have never thought our home is the only important place. It is the most important, but we are encouraged to to have meaningful, appropriate relationships with others as well.

I would like to share one more piece of advice to those who have been mistreated by fellow-Saints. Once I realized that I only have to rely on my closest family, myself and the Lord, I limited my activity in the Church to Sunday meetings and occasional activities my wife really enjoyed. I admit – there were Sundays when after the Sacrament meeting I would leave and go for a walk while my family stayed for the rest of the meetings and socializing.

This might sound like not a good advice, but it worked for me. On one hand, I kept the weekly routine of Church attendance - which was part of my baptism covenant. On the other – I think it was good for me to slow down and relax a little bit. I still wonder if the fact that the Church takes so much of our time and attention is because the Lord wants the Church to occupy most of our time or perhaps it is just a tradition influenced by some protestant cultures. You decide for yourself. As for me – my crisis of faith made me appreciate the world outside our LDS world (which was also created by God) more. I am not talking here about any of the evils offered by the world – alcohol, pornography, having a lover, etc. I am talking about being silly with my kids and kissing their feet, weekly dates with my wife, lonely walks in beautiful forests, petting our cat, hanging out with valuable people who are not LDS (they never mind me ordering Pepsi instead of beer), watching valuable or just fun movies, reading literature, attending lectures on history, science or whatever you might be interested in, watching stars at night, taking pictures of moon eclipses, getting involved in community or supporting a political party whose goals seem to be the same as those Captain Moroni fought for. I really don’t think the Lord expects his Saints to only bless each other. He is concerned with spiritual development of all of his children. Let’s befriend as many as we can – even if they smoke, drink or swear.

thank you for reading this

This has been somewhat therapeutic for me. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and in this case – made me reflect on the valuable lessons from the last 6 years of my life. If you managed to read this far – thank you for spending so much of your time with me. If you have been hurt by Latter-day Saints and don't buy my arguments for returning, at least you now understand better where we come from. And if you are a Church-goer, please remember that you have never been taught by the Lord to follow the members, but follow the Brethren whom He has sent. Love the future gods you are privileged to know, including those you think are lost, but as the Lord reminded us in the last General Conference – they are not totally lost because the Lord knows where they are and is watching over them (Elder Ulisses Soares, GC - April 2019). And keep in touch with your friends so you can rescue each other when you find yourself alone in your crisis of faith. And don’t blame me for getting addicted to Ricky Gervais – it was your choice, not mine to start watching it! Cheers!

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